Festival season begins in earnest at the end of this month – it’s that wonderful time of year when we brave the elements (and each other) in an effort to escape our humdrum existence via the medium of live performance, by drinking ourselves into a happy but half deaf stupor and by night… well, the less said about that, the better.
In true festival spirit, use the below guide to find your stereotype and tickets to the most fitting festival for you, whilst pointing and laughing at your fellow revellers in a genuinely loving yet merciless manner. Let’s face it, summer would be a whole lot more dull without any one of them.
The Straight Faced Hipster
The Straight Faced Hipster is easily distinguishable not by their Dr Martens, wide brimmed hat and tasselled jacket (and that’s just the boys), but by their inability to crack a smile at even the most earth shattering performance. Attending in the hope that they can one day make the claim to have seen XY and Z band before they were big, they will have left before any night time shenanigans begin for fear of getting dirty.
The Professional Raver
The Professional Raver sets up shop early in the dance tent next to the biggest speaker they can see and does not intend to leave until the very last record. They are most probably dressed all in black with a trusty pair of well broken in Nike’s, plus sunglasses to hide the most jaded of stares. Conversation is an absolute no, unless it’s related to the current track on rotation. This is one party-goer not to be trifled with on a dancefloor.
The Head Crown Massive
You won’t be able to miss The Head Crown Massive, because they’ll plough you down with their ten person arm-linked train or barge you out of the way for a giant group photo. Wearing short shorts, Hunter wellies and flowers on their head (girls), vests (boys), or body paint (either), their one agenda is to jump around as much as possible, preferably to some fat electro beats or pop house.
The Festival Lifer
The Festival Lifer has seen a truck load of festivals in their time, they are seriously intrepid.Should you need some spare loo roll, antiseptic hand wash or a she-wee, this person is your best bet. They’ll be wearing something really, seriously waterproof with perhaps a splash of glitter and are out for a good, wholesome time.
The Sequined Marauder
There is no sparkly accessory too big or too small that The Sequined Marauder cannot fit in their day bag. They absolutely love fancy dress – and don’t we all know it. Likely to swish past you in their cape, plonk their chicken hat on you when you least expect it, sprinkle you in glitter or blind you with the glare of their silver leggings, they’ll be found in the disco tent (or wherever else is fun and jumping) with a can of G&T and a huge grin.
Do not be fooled, The Lad is not necessarily male. They’re likely to be found en masse, loudly throwing shapes with whistles around their necks and cans in their hand. This species of festival-goer like drum ‘n’ bass and/or big indie bands, “avin it” and Mcat. Note: if you’re in Scotland, this stereotype makes up around 70% of the crowd – replace ‘can’ with ‘bottle of Buckfast’. Warning: may be topless.
Also look out for: The Guy With The Guitar (you’ve definitely seen him), The Tribe (all wearing penguin suits, smurf hats, mankinis and so on), The PDA Couple (even more remarkable when they’re in the mud), The Trainspotter (clutches the festival program and leaves before the last song to make the next act). Happy hunting!