It might be the longest winter in living memory, but use your imagination – festival season isn’t far away! Deprived of sun since last September, our festival headliners get dizzy at the first whiff of summer. Here’s a few scenes we might see across the breadth of the country in the coming months…
Queen Elizabeth Park management call-in pest control ahead of Arcadia10. According to sources, the measures are a precautionary approach. Experts warn of an influx of an exotic species of arachnids to the UK this summer. So exterminators who specialise in the removal of deadly spiders have been called-in. Members of the public have been urged to report any sighting of these especially large species to park management immediately.
Stock-price of glitter manufacturers sky-rockets in the run-up to We Are FSTVL. BUY! BUY! BUY! Supply cannot keep up with demand. It might be that Essex’s notoriously glam clientele like to sprinkle the shiny stuff like it’s going out of fashion. They love a bindi! But it’s probably the production at Defected’s Glitterbox stage which has stocks running-low nationwide. We live by the mantra, you can never have enough glitter.
A band of intrepid hikers arrive at Farr Festival in a bid to conquer Mount Kimbie. The heavily-kitted explorers, keen to complete an unprecedented four peak challenge, arrive a little bemused. Scratching their heads, they’re unable to identify higher crowd as they scour their ordinance survey maps. Eventually they are turned away by security for trying to smuggle an array of contraband into the festival grounds, including Swiss army knives, gas-lit stoves and Kendal mint cake. Mount Kimbie remains uncharted.
Shazam’s IT department to invest in their online server ahead of Dixon & Âme’s 6-hour B2B at Junction 2. On 9th June two internationally-acclaimed selectors who happen to know each other inside-out will play arm-in-arm. The only thing predictable is their unpredictability. What we can say for certain, is that those six hours will be littered with unreleased material, VIP edits and long-lost gems. The kind of tracks you just need to have in your life. Trouble is, only 2 men will ever know what they are. Track ID! Track ID!
At 51st State David Morales makes a late dash to the booth after being delayed at Heathrow. The legendary House DJ argues with officials at border control after refusing to show his passport. In a heated exchange, he insists he doesn’t need his passport to enter the “51st State”, as it has US sovereignty. Fortunately his cool-headed tour manager manages to diffuse the situation, explain the confusion and get Morales to Trent Park in the nick of time.
After a high-octane display of dexterity pummelling his mixer, Boundary headliner DJ EZ hits Brighton Pier. An absolute menace on the dodgems, EZ weaves in-and-out, steering one-handed whilst he uses his spare hand to munch on a bag of freshly-cooked donuts. Chaos ensues as his winnings from the 2p arcade slots spill onto the forecourt, causing several bumper cars to collide in his wake.
Scenes at Parklife in Manchester on 9th June. As his headline set draws a close, Liam Gallagher gestures backstage before waving brother Noel onto stage. They share a warm embrace to rapturous applause, close on a medley of Oasis classics and then sit down for a brew.
Okay, so the last one is a little far-fetched! But we can but dream.
Tickets for all of the above festivals plus many more, including We Are FSTVL, Cocoon In the Park, MADE & Mint are on sale now. Who can say what kind of scenes will unfold?! One thing’s for certain, it’s gonna be a (long-overdue) craaaaaazy summer!